The end of 2012

Wow, I haven't blogged in 6 whole months. In truth, I really haven't felt like it - when I've had the occasional good day I've thought about things I might like to post about, but before I would get a chance to I'd be back to feeling miserable, which was how I felt for the majority of the last 6 months. But with pretty much every blog I follow doing New Year-related posts, I decided I would quite like to round off this New Year's Eve by writing one too. Plus, it was interesting to recap on last year's posts, in particular my list of 5 hopes for this year. Aside from number 1 (to get a good degree classification, which I suppose I did, although I'm now disappointed that my 2:1 means I'm basically the same as the majority and have nothing to make me stand out) and possibly number 4 (to keep my relationship going, but ore on this later...) none of them materialised. I didn't travel more, I didn't make more friends, and although my job pays well I'm basically a cleaner, so not really where I pictured myself being.

I should point out at this point that this post will probably have a fairly down-in-the-dumps tone, which is fair as it accurately depicts my feelings this year. I also figure that no one reads this anyway, so I can write what I want without having to paint this perfect life blogger image that is projected in almost all of the blogs I follow (aside from those which are craft related, and thus have very little to do with lifestyle). However, on the very slim chance that someone does happen to read this, I'll end the post by talking about things that happened this year that did make me feel (albeit temporarily) happier within myself.

So, in a brief summary, what's happened this year?

January saw me spend 2 weeks in South Africa, and I have posted my diary in several instalments during the year (but I still really need to get round to finishing it...).

Most of February (and March, too) was spent writing up my research project (equivalent of a dissertation).

March saw my last lectures and the end of uni, and the end of my time as a student (possibly forever...)

April was an endless round of revision for exams.

In May I sat my exams.

In June I finished my exams, and found out my results and that I achieved a 2:1 for my degree.

In July I moved back to the homeland of Surrey/London, but went back to Cornwall a couple of weeks later for my graduation ceremony. I also went to Legoland twice - once with Steve, then once with my mum and brother.

August was spent doing... not a lot really. Went up to visit Steve for a few days, and did the long summer stint at my brother's school.

In September I had 2 weeks work experience at the Animal Reception Centre at Heathrow Airport, and got a casual/part-time job at the end of it.

I saw Steve again in October for a few days when we went to Bath as a delayed birthday thing for me. Oh yeah, and I turned 22. I also joined a new SJA division, so I am now part of the South East Region/Surrey County and in a proper adult unit instead of LINKS.

In November Steve came to visit again and we did Runnymede, Windsor Castle and Hampton Court, and I settled into being at work (albeit only a couple of days a week).

And finally, in December, I carried on working, and Alan came home for his annual 5-day Christmas visit (which was extended by an extra half day this year due to a combination of having to pick up 2 extra students before they got to Alan, awful weather and torrential rain, and horrific traffic everywhere - they normally arrive to pick him up at around 1pm on the 27th, this year they weren't here until 9pm...). I also, finally, got myself a pet Syrian hamster named Boris. He's a lovely honey colour with a white semi-band across his back (that was a really awkward way to write it but I coudn't think of a better way - basically the white band doesn't join in the middle of his back, so it kinda looks like he's got 2 white stripes on each side that meet his white belly).


Aaaand there goes the clocks (and hundreds of fireworks, and Jules Holland) signalling the new year, so it's now officially 2013.

In summary 2012 doesn't sound too bad of a year, but I had a lot of desperately low moments and worked myself into a complete sobbing mess more times than I'd like to remember.

I thought I would feel overjoyed, an amazing sense of freedom and a renewed enthusiasm for life upon completing uni, but it was shortlived and as soon as I started thinking about jobs and where I was going to live and my relationship with Steve and my future in general, I got really stressed and anxious and upset and everything felt horrible and overwhelming.

I thought I would feel relieved about getting a job, especially one that pays well and esentially allows me to pick whichever hours I want (as I'm only casual staff, so I only go in to cover shifts when they're short of people). However, on the first day of my work experience placement there I found that I would be with another girl, and she seemed to know loads more than me about all the animals that came in, she was doing an animal management qualification (which was a lot more relevant than my Zoology degree), and she had much better people skills than my non-existant-and-massively-awkward ones. I went home that evening and spent the entire night in floods of tears and feeling absolutely awful about myself and how shit I am. Turns out that this other girl was all talk and wasn't as good as she put herself across - hopefully I've learnt a lesson from this. But even when I started as a paid member of staff, I still couldn't (and still can't) shake the feeling that I'm not good enough - I'm basically a cleaner, I'm not trusted to do anything more advanced than that, and I still don't even have a damn key fob to let myself into and around the building. I don't feel valued at all, which really isn't helping my self esteem, and just adds to the giant pile of worthlessness that I feel I am at the moment. But I need to stay in this job, as it's good money and no one's going to want me for any other job, and anything I may possibly be vaguely qualified for is likely to pay at most 2/3rds of what this job is paying me.

I'm still in my relationship with Steve, although I'm not entirely sure how it's going to play out as he's now got a fancy grown-up job and lives in North Wales. I've seen him a grand total of 4 times since finishing uni, and it seems to be increasingly harder to find the time (or his willingness?) to schedule a visit. I'm going up to Wales this weekend, but that's only because I got really upset one night which in turn made him upset (or guilty?) so he decided that this weekend was free after all. Long distance is hard - it doesn't feel like I'm in a relationship at all as I see him once a month, if that, and I don't know what sort of future we have (whether we'll ever see each other regularly, as this will involve me getting a job and moving up to Wales, and I doubt the job part is likely. I also have no idea what sort of timescale we're talking about before this happens - 3 months, 6 months, a year, longer than that...?).

I think the long-distance aspect of my relationship feels worse than it otherwise would do as I have no friends anymore. The very few friends I did have at uni now live hundreds of miles away, and my friends from home aren't really my friends anymore - case in point being that they all decided to go to Bath, where one of them is at uni, for New Year, plans which they decided to talk about in front of me while Steve was down and we all went out for dinner, and I clearly wasn't invited. Bath plans then got cancelled so they arranged to go to someone else's house, to which I was then invited, but not until obviously after they'd all made plans so I was clearly an afterthought, so declined and decided to stay at home and spend the evening doing something I enjoy instead, even if it did mean being alone for yet another New Year. I've tried so hard to make friends, and I'm sure I've posted about my problems on this front before, but for some reason I seem incapable of making and keeping friends. This has been a major contributor to me feeling so low (I'm hesitant to say depressed as I know how much people can suffer with depression, but maybe I am depressed to a lesser extent?). My mum is out at work most days, and when she isn't working she's busy doing her own thing, so I spend pretty much all of my time alone. I'm used to going places and doing things alone, so that isn't really a problem, but it would be so lovely to have at least one person to share my interests with, tell funny anecdotes to or share my problems with. I'm somewhat resigning myself to the fact that I won't ever have friends again, as after 4 years of trying every method I can think of to make and keep friends I'm still without any, and if anything I have even less than I did at this point 4 years ago. But I do have an irrational fear that I'm going to die and be the subject of one of these desperately sad news articles you hear about people who have died alone and lain undiscovered for weeks as there is simply no one to notice or care that they've effectively disappeared...


And on that very grim note I think it's time I wrapped up this post with a list of things that I feel went right for me in 2012, and a list of resolutions/hopes for 2013.

Things that went right for me this year?

• I finally got a pet! After 22 years of waiting and being an avid animal lover, I finally have a pet of my own. Granted he's only a hamster, but I thought that was the most sensible choice given where I am in life at the moment. Plus he's really cute :)
• I got a 2:1 in my degree, which I know I've said I'm not particularly happy with, but it could have been a lot worse - with a 2:2 it basically wouldn't have been worth going to uni at all, so at least now I'm more employable than I would have been otherwise.
• I went to South Africa, which was amazing.
• I managed to keep my relationship with Steve going for another year.
• I got a job that pays well and allows me a lot of flexibility with hours, so I can keep up with St John and have time for myself while still getting money in.
• I got a job working with animals, which was the main goal.
• I started taking driving lessons. I've only had 2 so far, but I've driven on a main road and my instructor seems pleased with my progress, which is good to know :).

So what about resolutions/hopes for the coming year?

• Make at least one friend that I talk to regularly. I'm going to keep plodding away with this one forever I think...
• Finish my Day Zero/101 Things in 1001 Days list
• Find a job in which I feel satisfied and like I'm actually useful
• Do a bit of travelling. Even if it's only within this country, I feel like I'm really stuck at the moment, so need to spread my wings a bit.
• Keep my relationship going with Steve for another year. Hopefully move in together, but if not I want to at least get to a place where I'm comfortable with the long-distance-ness
• Get my room organised. I know this is a bit contradictory towards my last point as I said I want to move in with Steve, but I can't imagine that will be for at least another 3 months (more likely 6) so I've got plenty of time to get this room sorted first!
• Attempt the 52 craft projects in 52 weeks challenge again. I failed miserably at this the last time I tried a couple of years ago - I think I went about it all wrong (I wrote a list of the projects I wanted to do, and the pressure of trying to fit in those projects, which were all fairly long and time-consuming, was enough to put me off so much that I gave up on the whole thing), so I'm going to try and take a more relaxed attitude to it this year.
• Keep writing in my 5 year diary. I've got a very slack on this for the past couple of months, so need to spend the next few days catching up.

If anyone does happen to be reading this, happy new year to you :) (it would also be lovely if you left a comment or suchlike :)  )

This week, I have done the unimaginable

Well, unimaginable for me anyway.

I went for a run. Not just once, but three whole times.

You may be asking: Why is this so shocking? Thousands and thousands of people run, what makes it so special that you do?

I'm the kind of person who has avoided exercise pretty much all my life. At school I got teased and bullied in every P.E. lesson, partly because I wasn't very good at any of the stuff we did, but mainly because I didn't have the right expensive trainers or something petty like this. I did sports day once at primary school, and never at high school - I made any excuse possible to get out of it to stop the entire school having the opportunity to laugh at me. I made excuses to get out of most P.E. lessons too, and if I couldn't get out of it then I just hid in a corner with my friends.

Since I've left school the habit has stuck. I enjoy walking, so I do quite a bit of that, but now my fitness level as dropped so low that even walking uphill becomes difficult. I like swimming too, except I'm so awful at it that I don't really get much exercise benefit from it, and I'll only go to a pool if it's pretty empty and there aren't any dedicated people swimming lengths and making me feel ashamed of myself for lacking such a basic skill as swimming.

Since I've been living in Falmouth I've seen loads of people running, so I realised it must be "the done thing" and that got the idea in my head that it's something that I could do. It's free (unlike a gym, the other exercise activity that everyone does), I can go whenever I want, and I can go places where I can avoid other people (again, unlike a gym, where I would be surrounded by super fit people who can exercise for hours without the vaguest notion of sweating).

In November, I bought some running shoes. I was feeling all motivated and decided to go for a run that evening when I got home... except I put the shoes in my wardrobe and there they stayed until now. I found the NHS Couch to 5k podcasts and decided that this would be an excellent way for me to start running, so I downloaded them all... then didn't open the files until last week.

I kept putting off going due to fear of any possible person seeing me, regardless of whether I know them or whether I'll never see them again in my life, and the fear of the embarrassment it would cause me when they saw my massively unfit, sweaty and flabby body puffing and panting as it hurled itself along the road. At the same time, I was becoming more and more unhappy with my body and all its wibbly bits that don't let me look nice in clothes I want to wear.

Finally, I decided that I needed to just man up and get over it and go for a run. So, last Monday, I dusted off my running shoes, put on some clothes vaguely designed for exercising in, and left the house to go for my first run of the three I needed to do that week.

Here's how last week's runs went:

Run number 1, week 1: Monday
I am so unfit. I feel exhausted like I never have in my life. I only ran for 8 minutes in total, with a 5 minute walk at the beginning, a 5 minute walk at the end, and 90 seconds of walking in between each 60 second run, but by about half way through I had a really painful stitch in one side, I was sweating buckets, and I was struggling to catch my breath. Making it to the end of the run was very difficult, but I managed it. Go me! I was quite wheezy when I got home though, and I was so worn out. Only 2 more to do this week, I hope it gets easier...

Run number 2, week 1: Wednesday
Today's run felt a lot easier. I'm not sure whether that was because I didn't push myself so hard, because I knew what distance I had to go before I finished the run, or because I'm actually getting fitter... hopefully it's less of the first one and more of the last two! Fingers crossed the next one is this easy... 

Run number 3, week 1: Friday
Well, the last run lied to me, it went back to being difficult again today. It wasn't at the same level of "ohmygodI'mgoingtodie" as Monday's run was, but it was still pretty hard and I was really struggling towards the end. Not sure I'll be able to manage the more difficult runs next week.

I'm supposed to be starting the next level of runs tonight, and I'm really not sure I'm going to be able to manage it :(. I'm hoping this will eventually improve my fitness, so I'm trying to keep faith, and I'm really hoping the wheezy feeling I get at the end of each run doesn't turn out to be asthma or something nasty.
I did a St John duty yesterday at a half marathon through Falmouth and a couple of surrounding towns, and it was slightly demoralising looking at some of the people doing the run who were far from skinny but could still run a lot further than I could. I'd like to think that one day I could run a half marathon too, but at the moment running for any longer than 60 seconds feels like an impossible dream.

I'll do another update next week of how things are going and whether I think I'm getting any fitter. Keep your fingers crossed for me!

Izzy in the news

 

I'm in the West Briton newspaper this week :D

Last April I wrote an application to get LINKS some money from my uni's Annual Fund, a pot of money set aside for student projects. We were awarded over £3,000, which allowed us to buy 3 full family sets of CPR training manikins, 4 handheld portable radios for communicating on duty, and an AED (a defibrillator, the machines that help to get peoples hearts working properly again after they've suffered a cardiac arrest).

Uni were obviously really keen for us to publicise the fact that they'd given us money to buy some fancy new equipment with, so Steve wrote a press release which St John Ambulance put in the West Briton. So I got to put on my uniform and look all serious to show off our fancy new training kit.

Next project: trying to get money from people so we can buy a new vehicle for LINKS :D

I love it when I have those moments...

... where it feels like life is going to turn out ok after all.

I went out for dinner this evening with Steve and his parents, and after dinner (Cornish crab cakes with salad, and warm citrus cake with kemon curd cream fod dessert, mmmm) while his parents were very kindly sorting out the bill Steve and I took his dog for a walk along the beach. It was such a simple thing, and something that for anyone who's used to always having a dog around would feel like just another daily chore, but to me it was such a beautiful moment. I was so happy, and I could see myself doing that every day for the rest of my life. And I can very definitely imagine Steve being the person by my side every day. Normally thinking about my future just makes me not very happy, so it makes an unbelievable amount of difference to be feeling like this.
Saying "let's get married and spend the rest of our lives together" where I am right now if definitely not on the cards, but if it's things like this and feelings like this that life has in store, then I can't wait :)

My 21st birthday

A couple of months ago (yeah, that's how far behind I am with blogging!) I turned 21.
I didn't go all out like a lot of people do for their 21sts,  I decided to just have a quiet day then og out for a meal with some friends in the evening.

A few photos from the day...

 

A really sweet hamper that arrived in the post from my mum, containing a bottle of rosé, some chocolates and a delicious chocolate cake.

The cake from my hamper which I may or may not have eaten all by myself...

Balloooooons in the restaurant.

Tasty food. I took this with the 'food' setting on my new camera that I got for my birthday. I didn't even know cameras had food settings, you can even change the colour tone of the picture depending on the tone of your food haha.

More cake.

Even more cake. Om nom nom.

I had a really good day, and it was nice to be able to relax and not worry about having to do all the million and one other things I've had to do since I got back to uni in mid-August.

My main present was a nice fancy camera with a good zoom - when I went to Cyprus I was disappointed that the camera I had at the time didn't have a big enough zoom to take pictures of the animals that were further away, so a camera got added to the top of my wish list so I can get some amazing pictures on my upcoming trip to South Africa!

It's strange thinking I'm 21 now and "in my twenties", and there's officially no way I can get away with being classed as a child for anything any more :(. I definitely don't feel like a proper "grown up" yet though!

Today was the first entirely good day I've had in while.

Nothing bothered me today, and things that would have normally made me angry or grumpy I was able to just brush off and get on with the rest of the day.

So why was today so good?

• The careers thing (which was supposed to start at 9am and finish at 4.30pm) finished at 12.15pm, and I only had to go back for a couple of things in the afternoon which were actually useful
• I had a mock job interview, and found out that I actually did pretty well and wasn't just sat there with a blank mind and unable to answer any questions as I'd expected I would be
• Doing the mock interview today and the CV and application forms session yesterday means that I've now only got one more section to go before finishing my Exeter Award
• The SJA shirt I bought on eBay (we're not technically allowed to sell or buy uniform on eBay, so shush) arrived, it's in pretty much brand new condition, and it fits me quite well even though it's size 8. Woo! And it was only £7 including delivery, bargain.
• The steel toe cap boots that I organised ordering arrived (after an epic hunt, but I'll save that for another post...)
• Lots of people on my course who I spoke to today asked if I was feeling better after having glandular fever which was really nice.
• It was lovely and sunny and warm :)
  

There's probably loads of stuff I've missed off the list, but those were the main things.

Yay for still feeling happy and energetic at 9.4opm on a Friday evening! Especially after getting out of bed at 7.30am :P

Ill.

So even though I said I don't want to whinge on this blog and that I want to keep it positive, there are times when I need to have a good rant and let it all out otherwise I start to go slightly mad. Plus I'm pretty sure no one reads this anyway, so what does it matter? And I guess I don't feel happy all the time, so having a moan once in a while is an accurate representation of my life, right?

For the past week I've been stuck in bed and haven't left the house because I've got glandular fever. I have no idea where I got it from (no, I haven't been going round kissing random people...), but I think I probably got it somewhere in Cyprus or from the nasty recycled air on the flights there/back. Eww.

About a week after I got back from Cyprus I noticed a weird inch-or-so long lump in my neck, which I thought was just a swollen gland but it was kind of odd as it was only on one side, and I felt completely fine. I started to feel gradually more and more run down and emotional and just plain blah as the weeks went on, but it wasn't bad enough for me to bother with the hassle of having to register as a temporary patient to see a doctor at home so I decided to just wait it out.

After a couple of weeks, I managed to make it back to Falmouth and have about a day here feeling fine, with only a sore throat... then last Sunday night I woke up in absolute agony every time I tried to swallow. I had a look at my tonsils and they were a bit swollen and had had white bits on, so my first thought was "Crap, I've got tonsillitis... meh, it'll go away in a couple of days". Boy, how wrong I was.

I spent all day Monday in bed falling asleep at random times because I felt awful and couldn't keep myself awake. My mum kept pestering me to see a doctor, but being a bank holiday meant the surgery was closed.

Tuesday morning I woke up nice and early to get myself a doctors appointment, dragged myself up to uni to hand some work in, then walked down to Penryn to go to my appointment. The doctor prodded around at the lumps in my neck a bit (which by this point had swollen even further, but they were only swollen glands), had a look at my disgusting tonsils (which now had black bits on as well as white bits. Yeah, gross.) and took a blood sample to test for glandular fever. I was quite shocked as I hadn't even considered having it, but he said it wasn't too likely and was just a possibility. He gave me a course of antibiotics to clear up the tonsillitis, then I headed home (nearly passing out at the bus stop and again on the top deck of the bus, which was an interesting experience...).

Thursday afternoon I got a phonecall from the doctor saying my blood results were back... and that I've got glandular fever. Yay for me :|. Because it's viral there's nothing that can be done to treat it, so I just have to wait it out and it could be weeks before I feel back to normal. Then it hit me that there's no way I'd be able to do my essay due in on the 10th and my exams on the 16th and 19th if all I wanted to do was sleep, and I couldn't even sleep anyway because my tonsils were so swollen that I could barely breathe (and every time my tongue fell back in my mouth while I was asleep it completely cut my air off and I woke up, which happened 3 or 4 times a night). Eating was stupidly difficult too because there was just no space for food to get through when I swallowed, ergh. So anyway, I emailed one of my lecturers and explained the problem, so I've got a two-week extension on my essay and I've deferred my exams until the end of August.

(Here's where the rant starts. If by any slim chance anyone happens to be reading this, I apologise in advance for coming off as a moany bitch because I'm not really like this, honestly! I'm just feeling uber crap due to being ill)

I'm missing out on attending Helston Flora day with St John today which I've been looking forward to for literally a year. I'm beyond gutted, and it really doesn't help that Steve keeps phoning me to tell me how the preparations are going as it unintentionally rubs it in my face that they're all going to be there having a good time while I'm stuck in what's effectively solitary confinement. It was also a bit of a kick in the face this morning, when I'd wanted to have a nice long lie-in and forget what day it is, to be woken up by Steve asking me to find out if Matt was ready to go (which of course he wasn't), then I couldn't get back to sleep so I've been dwelling on it all day. I'm really really hoping I'll be better by Royal Cornwall Show now, because if I'm not I'm going to be so upset it'll be unreal.
I'm kind of beginning to wonder whether I should even bother going back to St John, because I've been there a year and a half now and I've basically done fuck all. I haven't treated anything more serious than a small cut, I've done over 100 hours on duty since I joined but most of those I've spent sitting on my fat arse, I don't do anything in my role as "treasurer" other than count loose change and pay it into the bank every now and again, I'm going to be an absolutely shit trainer (when I eventually finish 7303), and yet somehow I've been made out to be amazing when actually I'm pretty much completely useless. I feel like a fraud, so I'm really considering packing it all in and letting Frankie take over from me as vice chair/trainer next year, because in all honestly she'll be much better at both of those things than I would be, and after the extremely close vote between Steve and Frankie for who gets to be president next year it makes sense for Frankie to be vice chair as people actually wanted to vote for her and people only voted for me because I was the only person who went for that position. And none of the people I meet in different divisions remember who I am anyway even after they've met me several times,showing that there's basically no point in me being part of St John because I'm not good for anything other than occasionally being a dogsbody.

I'm also really wishing I hadn't deferred my exams now. Realistically I know it was the right thing to do, because I've lost out on so much revision time now that I would perform terribly if I sat the exams in a week and a half's time, but now everyone else is revision while I'm stuck here ill and needing some company, and then while they get to celebrate finishing exams and having a nice long summer free from having to worry about work I'm going to have exams and revision lingering in the back of my mind and spoiling everything. I'd been so looking forward to the summer too and being able to be carefree and do whatever I want, but now I know I'm going to have to spend weeks revising, thus spending yet more time by myself.

I feel like life's permanently letting me down. Every time I think I'm picking myself back up something comes along and brutally shoves me back down again. Like when I came back after Easter, I thought things were starting to look up and I only had a few weeks until I was free until October... and now I'm alone (yet again), ill and bed-bound with a nice long summer of revision and bad feeling to look forward to.

I feel so let down by university and everything it promised to be... "You'll make loads of new friends!" "You'll do so many fun things!" "You'll learn so much!" "You'll have the time of your life!"... NONE of those things have been true for me, and it's a huge slap in the face when everyone else I know says how much of an amazing time they're having at uni and I'm literally the only person I know who hates the damn place and wishes I hadn't bothered due to the massive debt it's lumbering me with so what is basically 3 years of misery (and that's not including the masters I'll probably have to do to make this degree worth anything, urgh.)

I just want the whole damn experience to be over, and I want my life to work out the way I want it to for once in fucking while.


If you read all the way through this, I salute you.

I hate choosing new glasses.

I've been wearing glasses since I was 8, and every time I have to choose a new pair the process never gets any easier. When I first started wearing them I had to get a new pair every 6 months because my sight went downhill so quickly, then every year as the decrease settled down, and now I'm up to a new pair every 2 years.

Looking back on it now, my first few pairs of glasses had huge, circular frames and were quite hideous, but I remember thinking I was so cool when I came home with my very first pair and I couldn't wait to put them on and watch TV (and actually be able to see the screen without squinting!). Gradually my taste got better and the frames became less round and more rectangular, until they became rather boring and plain black. Even then, I still had trouble choosing a pair I liked the shape of, let alone the colour (which is probably why I just played it safe with the plain black...).

If you've never worn glasses, it probably seems really simple to choose frames. But there's loads of little things you don't really realise, like are they the right width for my face? Are the lenses the right shape for my face and my eyes? Do my eyes sit in the middle of the lens or are they too far towards the top? Do the frames sit comfortably on my nose? Do I look like a complete dork in them?
... I could go on, but this is the reason why I hate picking glasses, because it's so hard to find a pair that are just right.
Or maybe I'm just way too fussy...

For my last pair, I was persuaded by one of the lovely ladies working in the opticians to go for something completely different - lilac frames with thick purple plastic legs. I was unsure about them at first, but they really grew on me and I really liked them and the fact that they were different and made my 'face ornaments' a little bit more exciting.

But this time when I came to pick new frames, I found nothing I 100% loved. It's not a decision I want to take lightly, as my glasses are up to costing about £250 now (compared to free when I was still at school...) and I have to live with them on my face every day for 2 years. I found a couple of pairs that I felt meh about, but nothing that really grabbed me. My mum had one pair that she really, really liked, but I wasn't sure because they felt too wide for my face. Not having lenses for your prescription in the frames means that you can't look at yourself wearing them from a distance, so you if you're as short-sighted as me you have to have your face basically touching a mirror to be able to see them clearly, and that doesn't give a very good picture at all. Anyway, my mum kept saying how much she liked these frames so to stop us spending the rest of the afternoon in the shop I went with them.

Here's the ones I went for in the end. Sorry about the rubbish photo, it's really bright outside and I'm missing the cable for my camera so had to take this on my laptop webcam.
Opinions?
I've had them for 4 days now and I'm still not sure if I like them or not - one moment I do, and then the next moment I think "These are far too wide for my face, I look more than a little bit stupid...". Hopefully they'll grow on me, but if not my prescription isn't that much different from in my previous pair so I'll just switch back to those :P



It also shocked me slightly when the optician said "So, are you at uni now? What are you studying?", and I realised that even though it feels like 5 minutes since I sat in that chair and read the letters off the chart it had actually been two full years. I literally don't know where the time has gone because it seems to have just flown by, but loads has happened and I've changed so much.
In the next two years I will have graduated, and either just be finishing a Masters or be (only possibly) finishing my first year of full-time employment. Scary stuff!

Times are changing

Things that have happened in the past couple of months:

• I spent my entire Christmas holiday doing near enough non-stop revision. It was so hard and depressing, and I got to the point in the last week before exams where I really felt like I couldn't go on any more - picking up notes and books was a huge struggle, and even things like buying food and eating seemed like too big a task. But I got through it, just, and even though I completely missed the point of the question in one exam I still managed to pass and get a 2:1 or a first in all my modules. I got 70% in Biodiversity and Conservation ( a mark significantly boosted by using the example of how Australia and New Zealand keep their biodiversity high by strictly controlling animal/plant imports... which I learnt about on Nothing To Declare or some other program on Sky 3), 88% in Stats, 61% in Development and Diversity, and 60% in Functional Animal Ecology (which I was convinced I was going to fail because I couldn't keep the information in my head, I had no outside reading and I missed the point of the question. Yet I got credit for "creative use of examples", so I basically passed an exam based on the bullshit I came out with. Win.)

• Chris and I broke up. It's been a while coming I think, certainly from my point of view, as I think the distance and the fact that we lead different lives now was making everything far too difficult. I don't really know if I feel happier now, but I'm trying to pick myself up and hopefully I'm making some progress.
  

• Still battling on with the City & Guilds 7303 course. I'm doing my micro-teach (half an hour mini lesson) next week and I'm rather nervous, especially as we have to be videoed...

• I'm cramming yet more into my schedule by doing the St John PTA course. If I pass the assessment next weekend I'll get to use ambulance equipment and medical gases, yay :)

• House for next year is sorted. I'm living with Matt and Hugh, and my new room is probably at least twice the size of my current room, and it's got 2 big windows. Only a single bed mind, but it's a small price to pay for having so much extra space and I'm not really too bothered by it. It'll be nice to be able to spread my stuff out again and not constantly feel crammed in. Plus mildew's started creeping its way into my room (must've started at some point over Christmas) which is absolutely gross, and it makes the small bit of space I have even less because I have to make sure nothing's touching the front wall or it'll go mouldy :\
  

• I'm still progressing with my list of 101 things in 1001 days and I'm getting there... slowly. I'll post updates of my progress in the next couple of days.

The past 2 months don't really seem like that long when everything's written out, but it feels like they've dragged on foreverrrr. I really want it to be summer so I can get out and do things on warm days, and not have to worry about uni work!

I think one of the reasons why I blog so infrequently is because I want to keep this blog cheerful and full of the good things in my life, and not dwell on the things getting me down like I have done in previous blogs.

However, I've not been feeling in a chipper, happy mood lately.

It feels like I've lost all direction in my life.
I don't think I'm doing the right degree, and I don't know what I want to do when I leave uni.
- I don't think I want to do anything Zoology related as I can't stand the idea of doing research and stats then writing papers for a living, and working with animals is out due to my zero experience and the vast number of applicants per place, even for things like work experience. I'm toying with the idea of being a paramedic, but that means going back to uni, and I don't think I want to do that either... Plus I enjoy doing St John in my spare time, I don't know if I could do that sort of thing every day, and I'd probably end up giving up St John if I did because I wouldn't want to do it as my day job and at weekends too.

I don't know where I want to be in 5 years, let alone 10. Hell, I don't even know where I see myself in a year and a half's time when I graduate.

It's painfully obvious that I don't have close friendships with anyone any more - one friend is really close to the people he lives with, and whenever I'm round there I always feel so awkward because it's almost impossible to fit in with a group so tightly-knit. At least when people aren't that close you can all make conversation, but when they all have their in-jokes and little things all you can really do as an outsider is sit there awkwardly. All my friends from home have drifted away and become close to other people, which was expected, but the fact that I've struggled so much even making casual friends here, and failed to make any close ones, really makes it sting.

I thought I was dealing with my stress levels so much better this term because I haven't felt anywhere near as stressed as I did last year, but as it turns out I think I've just been suppressing it all because now it's decided to manifest itself physically and make me lose my appetite, feel sick all the time and wreak havoc with my insides.


/depressive rant


I'm off home tomorrow so hopefully that will cheer me up, improve my outlook on life and fix my stress-induced ickyness.

On this day 20 years ago...

... I was born (yay me!)

I've gone from this...

To this...

I wonder what the next 20 years have in store...

I curled my hair!

Yay / nay?

(for the record, my "everyday hair" is this...)

(Better photo possibly to come later when I find my camera lead which has currently gone awol)