Sunday, 12 December 2010

I think one of the reasons why I blog so infrequently is because I want to keep this blog cheerful and full of the good things in my life, and not dwell on the things getting me down like I have done in previous blogs.

However, I've not been feeling in a chipper, happy mood lately.

It feels like I've lost all direction in my life.
I don't think I'm doing the right degree, and I don't know what I want to do when I leave uni.
- I don't think I want to do anything Zoology related as I can't stand the idea of doing research and stats then writing papers for a living, and working with animals is out due to my zero experience and the vast number of applicants per place, even for things like work experience. I'm toying with the idea of being a paramedic, but that means going back to uni, and I don't think I want to do that either... Plus I enjoy doing St John in my spare time, I don't know if I could do that sort of thing every day, and I'd probably end up giving up St John if I did because I wouldn't want to do it as my day job and at weekends too.

I don't know where I want to be in 5 years, let alone 10. Hell, I don't even know where I see myself in a year and a half's time when I graduate.

It's painfully obvious that I don't have close friendships with anyone any more - one friend is really close to the people he lives with, and whenever I'm round there I always feel so awkward because it's almost impossible to fit in with a group so tightly-knit. At least when people aren't that close you can all make conversation, but when they all have their in-jokes and little things all you can really do as an outsider is sit there awkwardly. All my friends from home have drifted away and become close to other people, which was expected, but the fact that I've struggled so much even making casual friends here, and failed to make any close ones, really makes it sting.

I thought I was dealing with my stress levels so much better this term because I haven't felt anywhere near as stressed as I did last year, but as it turns out I think I've just been suppressing it all because now it's decided to manifest itself physically and make me lose my appetite, feel sick all the time and wreak havoc with my insides.

/depressive rant

I'm off home tomorrow so hopefully that will cheer me up, improve my outlook on life and fix my stress-induced ickyness.